CHINA DOLL

-An excerpt from my final for Gender and Queer Studies Class-

Unruly, Unapologetic, and Free

Tags:

#GenderIdentity #Deconstruction #ReligiousTrauma #WhiteFeminism #PurityCulture #LGBTQAlly #Patriarchy #ChristianNationalism #Feminism #Atheism #BodyPolitics

“I wasn’t allowed to just exist. I was corrected, shaped, and redirected—treated like something to be admired, not heard.”

The Girl Who Wouldn’t Sit Pretty

Unruly. Unmanageable. Out of control. These were the words used to describe me growing up.

But I wasn’t wild—I was just curious. I asked questions. I spoke my mind. I wanted to wrestle like my brothers, wear jeans and T-shirts, and compete in male-dominated sports. That wasn’t ladylike, I was told. I didn’t know how to be anything other than me, and that made me a problem.

I wasn’t the daughter my family had in mind. I was the only girl, and they treated me like a China doll—fragile, beautiful, and placed carefully on display. Feminist theorist Susan Bordo refers to this phenomenon as the creation of a “docile body”—a feminine ideal that is small, quiet, and controlled (Unbearable Weight, 1993). I didn’t fit that mold. I didn’t want to.

“That ‘China doll’ treatment meant I wasn’t allowed to take up space—physically or emotionally.”

This is an excerpt from my final essay for Queer and Gender Studies. When I feel more at ease with what I wrote, I’ll post the rest. I’m just not that brave yet.

I’m in the last week of another magical term—Spring. In just four days, I’ll walk across a stage and receive my diploma. In three weeks, I’ll begin the Summer term, and with it, my final two classes within these school walls. By September, I’ll be off to begin my BFA in Concept Design at CG Spectrum.

While I’m in awe of how much I’ve grown—academically, creatively, and personally—I’m also deeply sad to close this chapter. I’ve been spoiled with excellent teachers, powerful lessons, and a small but mighty circle of new friends.

Trends over time? Growth. Resilience. Discovery. Each term has brought new challenges, deeper self-awareness, and greater courage to take up space as myself. The trend is unmistakable: forward.

I’m walking away not just with credits and a degree, but with a better understanding of who I am—and the voice I’m still becoming.